Five Children and Shit
Cyril, Anthea, Robert, Jane and Hilary moved house that summer, changing the smoke of London for rural Essex and the pretty little town of Clacton-on-Sea. On their first day in their new home, they rushed down to the seafront and played happily in the dunes until they met a strange little creature with bug eyes, a tubby body shaped like a spider’s and a purple and yellow rosette fastened permanently to its breast. The creature was shouting at the waves and didn’t notice the children at first. When Cyril said hello, the creature swore at them, calling them delinquent little beasts. Celia said that wasn’t nice, and the creature started crying and said it had been under the influence of medication when it said that, which was a lie. Robert, who was by nature the most curious of the five children, asked the creature what it was, in point of fact. The creature said it was one of the last true guardians of the land, part of a sacred tribe that had always been here since this sceptred isle first rose out of the waves, back when everything was much better than it is now. "If you are magical, does that mean you can grant us wishes?" little Jane asked. "No, fuck off," the creature said. “They’re just for me and my friends. We don’t need you lot ruining it for everyone.” Then the strange little creature burrowed head-first back into the sand. “What a strange place we’ve come to,” said Anthea. “Very true, Anthea,” agreed Cyril. “I must say, I’m not sure I like it.” In the sand at their feet, the baby started crying.
