Eating Chocolate Makes You Gay.

At least, if does if every chocolate advert ever made is to be believed.

Consider how a girl eats a chocolate bar. She accepts it tenderly into the front of her mouth. Her moist bee-stung lips close gently over the perfect sheath of cocoa. Her eyes close in rapture. Her spine arcs. Nearby, something symbolic happens (a bath overflows, a diaphanous curtain is furled in soft winds). Surely, the advert tells us, this pleasure is too much for one extremely attractive and successful woman to bear?

Compare this with a man eating chocolate in an advert. He sticks the chocolate bar into the side of his mouth and tears off its head, emitting a silent roar of conquest in his imagination as if the chocolate bar was a gazelle in some blurred ancestral memory of flames and animal skins and spears.

So. Women eat chocolate bars face-on to make us think about sex; the pretty lady is fellating the chocolate bar, good for her. Men, conversely, eat chocolate from the side of their mouths to make sure we think about anything but sex: that nice man is absolutely definitely not thinking about penises. Hence, by deduction, we must conclude that every time we mortals eat chocolate face-on, we are revealing ourselves to be gayer than Mr Humphries.

Mmm. Willies.