Close-Reading the Cliff Richard Calendar: May & June.

*Gliding the Glades with Cliff Richard*
Produced exclusively for Liberty City Tours, with support from the Everglades Trust and Florida State Tourism.

Folks, let me tell you this now: you're in for a treat. Your captain for today’s airboat ride through our beautiful Florida Everglades is none other than renowned British popster and honorary Florida native, Mr Cliff Richard. Our Mr Cliff is a bona fide expert on these parts having come out here every year since 1960, when he paid us a flying visit as part of the press junket for his classic movie Expresso Bongo. 

But he's not just the ideal guide. Oh no, he's also more fun than a barrel full of bullfrogs. Speaking in his famous, smooth as molasses tenor, Mr Cliff will show you round his favourite haunts for fishing, swimming or just plain lazing, as well as giving everyone a chance to take part in genuine Florida pastimes such as pulling taffy and shooting at Puerto Ricans.

Itinerary.

09:00 – Duelling Banjos. Mr Cliff will start the ball rolling with a reprisal of the famous duelling banjos scene from the movie Deliverance. Suh-weet!

10:30 – Crayfish Hunt. Cliff will show you how to lure crayfish out of their watery abodes using only the chorus of 'Summer Holiday' before clubbing them to death with sticks.

12:00 – BBQ Lunch. Otherwise known as Cliff’s Pulled Pork Bonanza, it's time to get greasy!

14:30 – Turtle Punching. Because everyone loves to punch a turtle.

16:00 – Alligator Rape. Cliff initially expressed some reluctance about taking part in this activity, but then he spoke to a local minister who assured him that it was OK to rape alligators because they don't have souls.

17:00 – Cliff's Quiet Time. The tour will end in the scenic environs of Crippleback Ridge, where everyone will gather round the fire to hear Mr Cliff summarise his favourite moments from CSI Miami, of which he’s a huge fan because it stars David Caruso, who’s such a cool guy.

Brothers and sisters, let us, as the great FR Leavis bade, read closely the image before us. To wit, we have:

1 micro-lite, the most effeminate of all aircraft.

1 pair of legs, lasciviously parted.

1 torso, half-open to the viewer, half- coquettishly turned away. 

1 come-hither gaze from those soft almond eyes, those lips of dew-kissed rose, those virile, unbowed teeth.

1 caption which (to adopt the corrupt, cheese-kissing intellectualism of the French) inverts the traditional male-female / dominant-submissive archetypes of pop music to situate the singer as the willing object of the phallocentric gaze and implicitly, therefore, of male attention.

Our conclusion? Why, it is clear and incontrovertible: the original caption for this shot was not, as has been suggested, 'Take Me High At Wallaby Ranch', but rather 'Take Me Extremely Hard At Wallaby Ranch.'

Thank you for your time. In next week's lecture we will consider the impact of Bob Holness' saxophone upon Gerry Rafferty's 1978 single, 'Baker Street'.